Where’s the wedding planner for dementia?

I remember sitting with my head in my hands a few years ago, asking why there were no wedding planner equivalents for dementia. 

There are certain rites of passage where we know what to do, or we at least know where to get all the information. For instance getting married – there’s no end of guidance for you from magazines and websites dedicated to ensuring you have the perfect day, or you could hire a wedding planner. 

That’s a lot of information and support for what is probably just one or two days of your life. 

Changing relationship

But it’s not just dementia, is it? What I really needed was a roadmap to help me navigate the changing relationship with my mother. I only became acutely aware of this when her dementia wedged itself into our relationship. But really I’d needed it for years. 

There was that week after my Dad had the stroke, and she felt she should go and visit him every day (a 60 mile round trip), but she admitted to me that really she didn’t want to, and didn’t think he even knew she was there; she felt she could do nothing for him.

We had long conversations about her mixed emotions – her sense of duty was the bully, over-ruling any other emotion or opinion she had. So each day she made that journey, and each day it took more out of her. 

No-one hands you a map

My role in her life was changing. I was already becoming the one who cared for her, who listened to her. After so many years of her caring for me, it didn’t seem unreasonable. But that didn’t mean I knew how. 

There was no guide, so we made it up as we went along. And I guess that’s what we all do. We move forward by instinct, doing what feels right at the time. If that’s where you are right now, improvising your way through a relationship that is shifting under your feet, I want you to know that making-it-up feeling doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong. It just means that no-one handed you a map. 

But we don’t always have to do it without any guidance at all. A coach can act as a guide of sorts, helping you to think through where you want to go, what your options are and how you’re going to decide which path to take. 

If you’re working out how to maintain your own life, whilst also caring for elderly relatives, consider giving yourself some time with me as your coach to work out how you’re going to make it work for you and your situation. You don’t have to work it out this week. But save this post for the day you’re ready. 

I’m wishing you strength to get through.